Sometime I'll Get It Right!

I think this image is very apropos for this posting. I have taken a massive hiatus in the world of getting in shape. It is now March and the last time I was at the gym was in January. Honestly life was crazy and things were not in my control. But that really isn't an excuse, because I should have to used the gym as an escape and the one thing I could have control over in my life. But it seems dumb to waste good energy on what could have been. I do get annoyed at the fact that if I would have stuck with it, by now I could be only 10-15 lbs off my mark. However, like I said no use in focusing on the past. It's time to focus on my future, and what amazing things lie ahead. 

I went to the gym today, the alarm went off at 4:30 and honestly I was determined to stay in bed and sleep more. But the longer I stayed in bed the more awake and guilty I felt for not moving. So I finally said, "Screw it!" Got up, got my gym clothes on and hit it. I only did the treadmill for 20 minutes, but that is more than I did yesterday. So, go me! Tomorrow I'll do 25 minutes, and so on. I want to be able to do a 5K this summer and wear at least a bathing suit. 

I am also making some emotional changes in my life. My S/O and I took a step forward in our relationship and that has been sort of anxiety inducing. But it is a positive step and I am confident that it will lead us to further great things. 

I also set up an appointment to see a therapist. I found a sliding fee scale location who charges based on income. I have never really spoken to anyone, (except my S/O and cousin) about my past and what has happened to me over the years. I need to have some help getting out of the emotional rut I am stuck in. I also feel as though this combined with gym hard work will get me to the self esteem level I deserve to be at. I have such a pathetic view of myself in all forms. But at good majority of it stems from being unhappy with my physical self. I view myself as weak, and I hate it. I think if I am happy with how I look in the mirror that will push me further to being happy overall. 

The downside/hard side to all this is the eating part. I currently don't have a lot of money and grocery shopping in a healthy form is so much more difficult if you don't have money. So right now I make cheap for dinner. Which never includes really healthy foods. I just need to learn to control my portions of food. Sadly I weighed in at 152.3 lbs this morning. I have been as low as 146 lbs and seeing that weight gain has me sort of sad. 

Anyway, it is 6:19 am and I need to get the day of work going. Cleaning, moving things and work later today. Long filled, exhausting day. But hey, I am made from tough stuff and can do it! 

I hope you all, (whoever is reading this) have a very blessed and amazing day! 

Back in the saddle, on the horse, bandwagon....you get the picture.

So I took the holidays off both on purpose and on accident. I only meant to take a week or so off to enjoy the holidays. But it seemed to stretch over a longer period of time. Oops. Oh well, I can either let it hinder me or just get over it, I decided on the latter. 

Yesterday I ran and walked. Not even sure how many I ran or walked, just kept going. At my gym 11.6 laps are actually equivalent to a full mile.  Today, I walked a couple of laps, ran 6, walked a couple, ran 6 then walked a couple. I am working on building up for 3 miles in Feb. So in order to do a full mile I need to do 12x3=36 laps straight. I know this will be hard, but I'm working on it. 

I think right I am focusing on cardio, running and walking and eating correctly. And after the race I will go back to incorporating lifting. I feel as though I need to get rid of the extra fat around my body first and foremost. 

My scary thoughts are extra skin. I realize I was/am not super heavy, but I will have extra skin around my body. I have absolutely no idea how to fix this part. (any advice is welcome) 

Anyway, tonight I am attempting a healthy version of friend chicken. Not a clue what to make with it, but we get there when it is time to get there. 

Anyway, kicking butt and taking names.

Who knew?

The statement above is so beyond truthful. There is no time in my past where I thought that I could run for any extended amount of time, ever. This morning 30 minutes running straight. Now it wasn't running as if I was trying to get away from a bear, but as if the bear was running along side me smiling. So, yes slower moving, but running all the same. And the only reason for stopping was because I needed to make food before work, shower and put the roast in the crock pot. Otherwise I honestly feel I could have gone for a little while longer. It was a great feeling, even if I did stumble over my feet a couple of times.

I remember a long time ago I tried to train for a marathon, that was a joke I thought. Didn't think my body was made for running, I am proving myself wrong in so many ways. This morning my BF mentioned that I should get two 25lb weights and try running some tomorrow with them. See how much more weight I was actually working with. It is amazing to see how far I have actually come. I do have a long way to go, but I am doing it. And frankly, it feels f*^king fantastic!

The food part is still a struggle for me, not because I want to eat fatty foods. Really I don't have cravings like I thought I would. But because my budget is smaller than normal. So I have to eat what I have, which is a lot of ground beef. So I make do with what I have. And when my BF and I are working more and bringing in more money then we can focus on really cleaning up our diet. Which I am excited about. I know my mom sent me a cookbook for Christmas that I have wanted for a while. (No I didn't open it, but that is all I asked for and well I'm not dumb)

So soon we will be able to clean up the diet, and continue to work out. I am so excited about all this progress.

GO ME!

"How'd you do it?"

It's a tad bit ironic for me, lately I have been asked the "How'd you do it" question a lot. Which is a question I asked often to many many people. And by no means am I am expert on weight loss or fitness or anything. I am still struggling everyday to find what works and to get where I am headed. I even have days, (like yesterday) where the gym just isn't happening. But here are a few things I have changed about the way I do things in my life.

1. I don't drink pop/soda, at all, just water. Okay, and coffee.Which honestly was an easy one for me. Since I didn't really drink it until I was 21, then it wasn't like an addiction. Just something I enjoyed. But I just don't drink it anymore at all.

2. No fast food. Now this one is an iffy one. There are days when I am just running and I didn't get food for lunch at work or I am running errands and I am starving. If that is the case and I need something fast, I usually just pick up a basic burger at McDonald's. Because I know it will fill me up, I know it is cheap, and it's small. But that is pretty much the extent of it. I do on occasion, (few and far between) have some $5 pizza. But all in all, I usually try to avoid it.

3. Work out. Seriously as simple as that. Even if it is just 20 minutes a day of walking outside, just anything to boost your metabolism is needed. Walking or running is good cardo, but weights are a must for getting any sort of toning done. Lifting doesn't mean getting to be so big you have to turn sideways to get through a door. It just means your muscles are getting bigger and thus burning more fat in order to keep yourself going. There are plenty of females who are out there who lift and still look very much like a female. You just have to work at it and find the right balance for your body.

Now don't get me wrong, in no way shape or form am I a fitness pro, or am I a know it all. But a lot of it I have learned over the last couple of months is very basic common sense. If you want to get into shape you have to focus on what you put in your mouth and what you do with your body. It is a never ending learning process. Your body gets used to what you are doing after a certain amount of time as well, and at that point you peek. It's time for you to change what your doing, do different cardio, remove cardio, add weights, use stronger weights. There are so many things you can do, but the most important one is to not give up because you don't think you are getting results. That is the fastest way to failure.

And in full disclosure, I have been on and off taking a dietary supplement. But I will say this, it is a month on and a month off. (so my body doesn't get used to it) And yes, everyone says diet pills are bad for you. But I think if you are not stupid about them, use them in conjunction with working out and eating right, it isn't a bad thing. I won't tell you to use them or not use them, I'll just say that for me at this current time it works and helps me.

So that is where I am at, still a massive work in progress to get where I can feel okay with getting on stage in a bikini and flaunting it for the audience. Below are two pictures, the first is from a couple years ago. (sorry so blurry) and the second is from me today at the gym. Again, a lot of work to do and long road ahead, but I have come so far. Yipee!!!

Good luck!

Insecurities That Screw With You

I'd like to say I think I am beautiful, but I just don't. And part of me has tricked myself into believing that if I get to the physical body I want, then for sure I will think I am beautiful then. When in reality my head is so damaged and backwards that it's going to take so much more than that. For most, (if not all) of my relationships I have been lacking in some department. You name it, it probably has been said to me regarding my abilities or better yet, my inabilities. Fat, short, ugly, too outgoing, too social, too dramatic, too happy, too sad, the list literally can go on and on. And because for the better part of my adult life, that is what I have always been told, well frankly it is hard to change that mind set. I know, I KNOW I am a nice, caring, loving, honest and genuine person. But when I look into the mirror all I can see are my faults. The unseen emotional scars and that damage I have done to my body over too long a time. It is nice to have goals and ideas of what you want out of yourself in a physical manner. But those goals attained will do nothing but make the outside look good. And while that is great and empowering, I'm afraid my mind will take so much longer to straighten out.

Last night was horrible, I didn't really sleep. I had a really productive, (painful at the same time) discussion with my boyfriend about my insecurities. About why men, (not just men of course) feel the need to break a woman down so much. Why they feel the need to cheat and to lie. Why not just in fact end the relationship if you are so desperate to find the next best thing? Why not let the person go and find happiness somewhere else. With someone who will love and appreciate them for what they have to offer.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not under the impression that my BF is cheating or is a liar with me. But I will be honest and say it is so hard to not hold him to that same screwed up expectation that I have grown accustomed to. The expectation that I'll be lied to, cheated on and degraded in every way is always there. Yet one more thing to work on, because it isn't really fair of me to have that with him. I know the only way to make this relationship work is honesty, trust and the basic friendship that we have. But this is a giant work in progress for me and I seem to be dealing with a great deal of affects the last couple of days. I'm so far inside my head that it is causing me some serious anxiety.


Anyway, I digress. This is an attempt at a fitness blog after all and not a "Whoa is me" blog. But I do honestly believe that part of becoming healthy physically is becoming healthy mentally and emotionally as well.

So after a horrid nights "sleep", I was up and going to the gym. It is nice to have someone who is expecting me to go with him. Then I feel as though if I don't get up and make him get out of bed then I am letting him down. I apparently have no issues letting myself down, but massive issues letting other people down. So up and at it, (after two snooze pushes) and at the gym at 5:20am. Doing my cycle, "Trouble Spots" once, running four laps and then another cycle. After that I ran and walked with BF for a while longer. Running has become a mild escape for me. The biggest downside right now is my work out pants are currently too big. Therefore running can be cumbersome since I have to continuously pull them up. Or the poor people of West Valley Rec Center will have far more than they actually paid for with their membership. When I have any sort of "extra" cash I'll go work out clothing shopping. Get something that maybe will last me a few more months.

I'm excited that I am doing this, finally. That I am with someone who wants this for themselves as much as I have always for myself. I just have to find the strength to work through my emotional baggage as well as my physical stuff.

Any advice is so beyond welcome....although I am really unsure who all is reading this. Even if it is no one, the ability to word vomit things I apparently can't say out loud is nice.

Have a great day!

Cheats, Days off, Pain and Exhaustion

There is no better way to describe the last couple days than the title of this post. Sunday was a day off, which was very much needed. Sunday night was my work's Christmas party. Which was nice and I enjoyed myself, however maybe a little too much. Seconds of ham and turkey and mashed potatoes. I even told myself I was an idiot going for that second round, but you know what it happened, nothing I can do about it now.

Monday, well Monday was crap. Sleep was nearly nonexistent the night before and getting up at 4:30 was just not happening. Lucky for me, work was slow but that allowed me to get a lot of work done around the store. Redressing brides, rearranging the run, redoing bridesmaid dresses. So I never really sat down.

Last night was a bad night of sleep as well. Waking up at 4:30 was also not going to happen. So we woke up later, and headed to the gym. Both feeling mildly grumpy. But the good news is that the work out was great. I did my whole circuit and pushed myself very hard, using 20lbs instead of the 12 that I am used to. After one circuit I ran two laps around the track and went back for a second circuit. I didn't make it through the entire circuit the second time around mostly because my legs were killing me. But you have to start somewhere right? So after getting to the point of pain, we walked the track several times and then headed out to have some lunch.

I have the day off so today it is all about cleaning and getting little things done around my house that I don't have a ton of time to do normally. Salmon is marinating in the fridge, green beans will be cut soon and then some rice is already ready to go. After some random house cleaning, maybe just maybe I will lay down on the couch and crash for a little bit. Knowing myself, I won't but the idea sound appealing.


Anyway, back on topic of fitness. As far as my eating is going, I really do well with breakfast and most of the time dinner. Lunch is probably hardest for me. I really need to figure out my ideal carb, protein, fat and caloric intake to get to the my desired weight. As far as working out go, I'll continue on the path I am until I finish the book's program. And continue running until around March. At that time I will probably take around three months off and focus on training only. Then after the three months if I feel ready to the do the competition I will go back to adding in running to get down to the best shape with training before the show. Either way I need to trick my body right now into confusion. Which let's be honest I am doing currently by even working out. :)

Anyway, cleaning time it is. Thanks for stopping by if anyone does. (Shout out to my cuz Kelli, since I know for a fact that she reads this! <3 nbsp="" p="">

I. Love. Running!

Well today I have decided I officially love running. It feels so free and liberating. I ran more than walked today, which honestly felt so good. I did have a slight issue with pain in my hips because I am not used to running. But man I loved it. I honestly cannot wait to go again tomorrow. ;)

I was hoping at Thanksgiving next year BF and I could do a 5K Turkey Trot, which is 3.1 miles. But since today I really did well running and combined did a little above 2 miles, I figure that will be sorta easy. So maybe a 10K, which is 6.2 miles. Which could be difficult for me still a year out. Either way, I just love running.

Anyway, today as been an up and down sort of day and looking forward to going to a Christmas party tonight. Hoping to take out any blah feelings I am having tonight.

Have a good night everyone!