Sometime I'll Get It Right!

I think this image is very apropos for this posting. I have taken a massive hiatus in the world of getting in shape. It is now March and the last time I was at the gym was in January. Honestly life was crazy and things were not in my control. But that really isn't an excuse, because I should have to used the gym as an escape and the one thing I could have control over in my life. But it seems dumb to waste good energy on what could have been. I do get annoyed at the fact that if I would have stuck with it, by now I could be only 10-15 lbs off my mark. However, like I said no use in focusing on the past. It's time to focus on my future, and what amazing things lie ahead. 

I went to the gym today, the alarm went off at 4:30 and honestly I was determined to stay in bed and sleep more. But the longer I stayed in bed the more awake and guilty I felt for not moving. So I finally said, "Screw it!" Got up, got my gym clothes on and hit it. I only did the treadmill for 20 minutes, but that is more than I did yesterday. So, go me! Tomorrow I'll do 25 minutes, and so on. I want to be able to do a 5K this summer and wear at least a bathing suit. 

I am also making some emotional changes in my life. My S/O and I took a step forward in our relationship and that has been sort of anxiety inducing. But it is a positive step and I am confident that it will lead us to further great things. 

I also set up an appointment to see a therapist. I found a sliding fee scale location who charges based on income. I have never really spoken to anyone, (except my S/O and cousin) about my past and what has happened to me over the years. I need to have some help getting out of the emotional rut I am stuck in. I also feel as though this combined with gym hard work will get me to the self esteem level I deserve to be at. I have such a pathetic view of myself in all forms. But at good majority of it stems from being unhappy with my physical self. I view myself as weak, and I hate it. I think if I am happy with how I look in the mirror that will push me further to being happy overall. 

The downside/hard side to all this is the eating part. I currently don't have a lot of money and grocery shopping in a healthy form is so much more difficult if you don't have money. So right now I make cheap for dinner. Which never includes really healthy foods. I just need to learn to control my portions of food. Sadly I weighed in at 152.3 lbs this morning. I have been as low as 146 lbs and seeing that weight gain has me sort of sad. 

Anyway, it is 6:19 am and I need to get the day of work going. Cleaning, moving things and work later today. Long filled, exhausting day. But hey, I am made from tough stuff and can do it! 

I hope you all, (whoever is reading this) have a very blessed and amazing day! 

Back in the saddle, on the horse, bandwagon....you get the picture.

So I took the holidays off both on purpose and on accident. I only meant to take a week or so off to enjoy the holidays. But it seemed to stretch over a longer period of time. Oops. Oh well, I can either let it hinder me or just get over it, I decided on the latter. 

Yesterday I ran and walked. Not even sure how many I ran or walked, just kept going. At my gym 11.6 laps are actually equivalent to a full mile.  Today, I walked a couple of laps, ran 6, walked a couple, ran 6 then walked a couple. I am working on building up for 3 miles in Feb. So in order to do a full mile I need to do 12x3=36 laps straight. I know this will be hard, but I'm working on it. 

I think right I am focusing on cardio, running and walking and eating correctly. And after the race I will go back to incorporating lifting. I feel as though I need to get rid of the extra fat around my body first and foremost. 

My scary thoughts are extra skin. I realize I was/am not super heavy, but I will have extra skin around my body. I have absolutely no idea how to fix this part. (any advice is welcome) 

Anyway, tonight I am attempting a healthy version of friend chicken. Not a clue what to make with it, but we get there when it is time to get there. 

Anyway, kicking butt and taking names.

Who knew?

The statement above is so beyond truthful. There is no time in my past where I thought that I could run for any extended amount of time, ever. This morning 30 minutes running straight. Now it wasn't running as if I was trying to get away from a bear, but as if the bear was running along side me smiling. So, yes slower moving, but running all the same. And the only reason for stopping was because I needed to make food before work, shower and put the roast in the crock pot. Otherwise I honestly feel I could have gone for a little while longer. It was a great feeling, even if I did stumble over my feet a couple of times.

I remember a long time ago I tried to train for a marathon, that was a joke I thought. Didn't think my body was made for running, I am proving myself wrong in so many ways. This morning my BF mentioned that I should get two 25lb weights and try running some tomorrow with them. See how much more weight I was actually working with. It is amazing to see how far I have actually come. I do have a long way to go, but I am doing it. And frankly, it feels f*^king fantastic!

The food part is still a struggle for me, not because I want to eat fatty foods. Really I don't have cravings like I thought I would. But because my budget is smaller than normal. So I have to eat what I have, which is a lot of ground beef. So I make do with what I have. And when my BF and I are working more and bringing in more money then we can focus on really cleaning up our diet. Which I am excited about. I know my mom sent me a cookbook for Christmas that I have wanted for a while. (No I didn't open it, but that is all I asked for and well I'm not dumb)

So soon we will be able to clean up the diet, and continue to work out. I am so excited about all this progress.

GO ME!

"How'd you do it?"

It's a tad bit ironic for me, lately I have been asked the "How'd you do it" question a lot. Which is a question I asked often to many many people. And by no means am I am expert on weight loss or fitness or anything. I am still struggling everyday to find what works and to get where I am headed. I even have days, (like yesterday) where the gym just isn't happening. But here are a few things I have changed about the way I do things in my life.

1. I don't drink pop/soda, at all, just water. Okay, and coffee.Which honestly was an easy one for me. Since I didn't really drink it until I was 21, then it wasn't like an addiction. Just something I enjoyed. But I just don't drink it anymore at all.

2. No fast food. Now this one is an iffy one. There are days when I am just running and I didn't get food for lunch at work or I am running errands and I am starving. If that is the case and I need something fast, I usually just pick up a basic burger at McDonald's. Because I know it will fill me up, I know it is cheap, and it's small. But that is pretty much the extent of it. I do on occasion, (few and far between) have some $5 pizza. But all in all, I usually try to avoid it.

3. Work out. Seriously as simple as that. Even if it is just 20 minutes a day of walking outside, just anything to boost your metabolism is needed. Walking or running is good cardo, but weights are a must for getting any sort of toning done. Lifting doesn't mean getting to be so big you have to turn sideways to get through a door. It just means your muscles are getting bigger and thus burning more fat in order to keep yourself going. There are plenty of females who are out there who lift and still look very much like a female. You just have to work at it and find the right balance for your body.

Now don't get me wrong, in no way shape or form am I a fitness pro, or am I a know it all. But a lot of it I have learned over the last couple of months is very basic common sense. If you want to get into shape you have to focus on what you put in your mouth and what you do with your body. It is a never ending learning process. Your body gets used to what you are doing after a certain amount of time as well, and at that point you peek. It's time for you to change what your doing, do different cardio, remove cardio, add weights, use stronger weights. There are so many things you can do, but the most important one is to not give up because you don't think you are getting results. That is the fastest way to failure.

And in full disclosure, I have been on and off taking a dietary supplement. But I will say this, it is a month on and a month off. (so my body doesn't get used to it) And yes, everyone says diet pills are bad for you. But I think if you are not stupid about them, use them in conjunction with working out and eating right, it isn't a bad thing. I won't tell you to use them or not use them, I'll just say that for me at this current time it works and helps me.

So that is where I am at, still a massive work in progress to get where I can feel okay with getting on stage in a bikini and flaunting it for the audience. Below are two pictures, the first is from a couple years ago. (sorry so blurry) and the second is from me today at the gym. Again, a lot of work to do and long road ahead, but I have come so far. Yipee!!!

Good luck!

Insecurities That Screw With You

I'd like to say I think I am beautiful, but I just don't. And part of me has tricked myself into believing that if I get to the physical body I want, then for sure I will think I am beautiful then. When in reality my head is so damaged and backwards that it's going to take so much more than that. For most, (if not all) of my relationships I have been lacking in some department. You name it, it probably has been said to me regarding my abilities or better yet, my inabilities. Fat, short, ugly, too outgoing, too social, too dramatic, too happy, too sad, the list literally can go on and on. And because for the better part of my adult life, that is what I have always been told, well frankly it is hard to change that mind set. I know, I KNOW I am a nice, caring, loving, honest and genuine person. But when I look into the mirror all I can see are my faults. The unseen emotional scars and that damage I have done to my body over too long a time. It is nice to have goals and ideas of what you want out of yourself in a physical manner. But those goals attained will do nothing but make the outside look good. And while that is great and empowering, I'm afraid my mind will take so much longer to straighten out.

Last night was horrible, I didn't really sleep. I had a really productive, (painful at the same time) discussion with my boyfriend about my insecurities. About why men, (not just men of course) feel the need to break a woman down so much. Why they feel the need to cheat and to lie. Why not just in fact end the relationship if you are so desperate to find the next best thing? Why not let the person go and find happiness somewhere else. With someone who will love and appreciate them for what they have to offer.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not under the impression that my BF is cheating or is a liar with me. But I will be honest and say it is so hard to not hold him to that same screwed up expectation that I have grown accustomed to. The expectation that I'll be lied to, cheated on and degraded in every way is always there. Yet one more thing to work on, because it isn't really fair of me to have that with him. I know the only way to make this relationship work is honesty, trust and the basic friendship that we have. But this is a giant work in progress for me and I seem to be dealing with a great deal of affects the last couple of days. I'm so far inside my head that it is causing me some serious anxiety.


Anyway, I digress. This is an attempt at a fitness blog after all and not a "Whoa is me" blog. But I do honestly believe that part of becoming healthy physically is becoming healthy mentally and emotionally as well.

So after a horrid nights "sleep", I was up and going to the gym. It is nice to have someone who is expecting me to go with him. Then I feel as though if I don't get up and make him get out of bed then I am letting him down. I apparently have no issues letting myself down, but massive issues letting other people down. So up and at it, (after two snooze pushes) and at the gym at 5:20am. Doing my cycle, "Trouble Spots" once, running four laps and then another cycle. After that I ran and walked with BF for a while longer. Running has become a mild escape for me. The biggest downside right now is my work out pants are currently too big. Therefore running can be cumbersome since I have to continuously pull them up. Or the poor people of West Valley Rec Center will have far more than they actually paid for with their membership. When I have any sort of "extra" cash I'll go work out clothing shopping. Get something that maybe will last me a few more months.

I'm excited that I am doing this, finally. That I am with someone who wants this for themselves as much as I have always for myself. I just have to find the strength to work through my emotional baggage as well as my physical stuff.

Any advice is so beyond welcome....although I am really unsure who all is reading this. Even if it is no one, the ability to word vomit things I apparently can't say out loud is nice.

Have a great day!

Cheats, Days off, Pain and Exhaustion

There is no better way to describe the last couple days than the title of this post. Sunday was a day off, which was very much needed. Sunday night was my work's Christmas party. Which was nice and I enjoyed myself, however maybe a little too much. Seconds of ham and turkey and mashed potatoes. I even told myself I was an idiot going for that second round, but you know what it happened, nothing I can do about it now.

Monday, well Monday was crap. Sleep was nearly nonexistent the night before and getting up at 4:30 was just not happening. Lucky for me, work was slow but that allowed me to get a lot of work done around the store. Redressing brides, rearranging the run, redoing bridesmaid dresses. So I never really sat down.

Last night was a bad night of sleep as well. Waking up at 4:30 was also not going to happen. So we woke up later, and headed to the gym. Both feeling mildly grumpy. But the good news is that the work out was great. I did my whole circuit and pushed myself very hard, using 20lbs instead of the 12 that I am used to. After one circuit I ran two laps around the track and went back for a second circuit. I didn't make it through the entire circuit the second time around mostly because my legs were killing me. But you have to start somewhere right? So after getting to the point of pain, we walked the track several times and then headed out to have some lunch.

I have the day off so today it is all about cleaning and getting little things done around my house that I don't have a ton of time to do normally. Salmon is marinating in the fridge, green beans will be cut soon and then some rice is already ready to go. After some random house cleaning, maybe just maybe I will lay down on the couch and crash for a little bit. Knowing myself, I won't but the idea sound appealing.


Anyway, back on topic of fitness. As far as my eating is going, I really do well with breakfast and most of the time dinner. Lunch is probably hardest for me. I really need to figure out my ideal carb, protein, fat and caloric intake to get to the my desired weight. As far as working out go, I'll continue on the path I am until I finish the book's program. And continue running until around March. At that time I will probably take around three months off and focus on training only. Then after the three months if I feel ready to the do the competition I will go back to adding in running to get down to the best shape with training before the show. Either way I need to trick my body right now into confusion. Which let's be honest I am doing currently by even working out. :)

Anyway, cleaning time it is. Thanks for stopping by if anyone does. (Shout out to my cuz Kelli, since I know for a fact that she reads this! <3 nbsp="" p="">

I. Love. Running!

Well today I have decided I officially love running. It feels so free and liberating. I ran more than walked today, which honestly felt so good. I did have a slight issue with pain in my hips because I am not used to running. But man I loved it. I honestly cannot wait to go again tomorrow. ;)

I was hoping at Thanksgiving next year BF and I could do a 5K Turkey Trot, which is 3.1 miles. But since today I really did well running and combined did a little above 2 miles, I figure that will be sorta easy. So maybe a 10K, which is 6.2 miles. Which could be difficult for me still a year out. Either way, I just love running.

Anyway, today as been an up and down sort of day and looking forward to going to a Christmas party tonight. Hoping to take out any blah feelings I am having tonight.

Have a good night everyone!

Who knew running would actually be enjoyable....

Granted, I don't mean long distance running or super fast running. Just simply running.

This morning after my "Trouble Spots" work out I decided to walk the track until BF was done with his work out. I began with just walking the first couple, and walking faster than usual. Then I decided to run a lap and see just how far I could get. So it played out, run a lap, walk a lap, run a lap, walk a lap. Then, then, then, I ran two laps! (I realize this seems trivial in the eyes of many, but for me this is rather significant.)

I used to get winded running down my stairs or running the mailbox, which was just around 50 yards away. But I guess we all have to start somewhere, right?

I didn't get much sleep last night, was afraid that today would be a big fat failure as far as work out goes. But I feel pretty good about it, and hoping the rest of today is just as good.

As a side note, I used to be literally obsessed with the scale. I mean, get on it at least twice a day obsessed. I am going through withdraws when I go into my bathroom and see it lonely sitting there. I have resisted the urge to jump on it. I have decided just every Monday is good enough for now. Maybe I can do without for two weeks next month. That would be a shocker.

Day 1 (again)

"Old habits die hard. But they do die if you work at it!" 

I am sure this post title is a little confusing and yet not at all at the same time. Well let's be honest, I took a couple weeks off from posting, dieting and working out. Why? Well simply because I wanted to. I was doing well, and just felt a need to take some time to myself and not worry about anything else regarding diet or fitness related. I ate what I felt like eating and did what I wanted to do. 

What did I learn? A lot. 

I saw a huge shift in my energy levels, moods and overall well being. I felt horrid after some really fatty meals that left me bloated and gross. I felt oily and noticed a change in my skin again. Funny how such simple changes can make life so different. 

I was/am not getting a lot of sleep due to my 3 year old going through a separation issue, which never helps anything. I think that was also a big factor in taking time off. I needed to focus on figuring out what to do to solve the issue. And honestly I have yet to come up with a solution. 

But it is drawing near my 31st birthday and I want to be down another 10-15lbs before then. I want to enjoy my birthday, even though I will still be far off from my goal weight. So I decided to hope back on the bandwagon that I actually did enjoy and miss. Adding working out will be tough just like it was before, but I can do it. I did it once and lost 30lbs, (give or take 2lbs) and so I am sure I can do it again. 

I have planned meals for the next two weeks off a web site that has healthy meals, and a few not so healthy meals. But I figure that as long as I don't over eat that day and I don't over indulge myself then, I should be okay. Portion size has a lot to do with weight loss. 

Anyway, I am simply waiting for Jon to get up so I can take a short nap and then run and work out. I have two goals this coming year. (my birthday year, from June 2012 to June 2013) Next years birthday I want to go to on a fancy date with my husband. Symphony, something kind of fancy where I can dress up and feel good in a sexy kind of dress. I also want to run in some sort of race. Even if it is just a 5K, I will do it! 

Alright so here we go again! I hope you enjoy!!!!!

Remember any words of advice or encouragement are always welcome!!!

Day 53

"If you want it bad enough, you have to be willing to fight for it." 

Well I am back from my hiatus from being healthy. Not sure why this has taken so long for me to get back on, but I am back. I think I am just so busy from really trying to push my company and make it all work that I get lost. 

I totally gained weight from my trip, I wasn't terrible. But it wasn't easy to watch my eating while out of town living in a hotel room in a small town. So I decided to measure myself in a place I was recently measured to see if there were any changes, since I felt as though there was. Good news is I have lost 4 inches in my waist! YIPEE! I need to find a site that tells me exactly where to measure and keeps track of the inches for me. Seems those are a better way for me to keep an eye on my "weight loss" program anyway. Then try just weighing myself on Sundays. I have not started to work out again, mostly because since I have gotten back I have been sooo busy! Today after Jon gets up I am going to try to go work out for 25 minutes then run the errands I have to get done. 

I have another goal to set. I have family coming to visit on the 25th. That is 22 days to lose, hrm....how about 10 lbs? HA! I will say 7 lbs and then if I can get to 10 lbs that would be great! 

Anyway, I hope all of you are doing well and are having a great April so far! (Because I will have a fantastic one!) 

Day 37/Rest Day

I guess you could say that the last couple days have been a rest day as far as working out goes. But I have been so busy with sick kids, cakes and now I am getting sick. :( However that didn't keep me from doing things around my house that made me work up a little sweat. And my core temp seems to be a lot higher than those people in my house. So when they turn on the heat I actually start to get so how that I get sweaty a little. Home made sauna!

I fear however that I am getting what my children currently have. I feel fine, but you know that feeling you have when you know you are about to get sick. Yeah well that is me. But I heard that working out when you are sick makes it go away faster because you are working your body, um...oh I dunno why. I just heard it okay!

Anyway, a lot more cleaning to do and laundry to get done.

Sick Kids and Cake

Okay so yesterday I never had a moment to go work out. Felt so strange. Today my daughter and son are both very sick and because of that I literally got about 45 minutes of sleep last night.

So today might not happen work out wise either. My daughter loses her mind when I leave the room for more than two minutes and I don't want to leave my husband with two cranky sick children, since I have a few different places to go today.

But just because I might not be able to work out, doesn't mean I can't stay on track.

I also have another cake to do tonight for a 2nd birthday tomorrow. So with baby shower/baby shower cake delivery, bridal fair with a bride, and a birthday cake to do tonight my day is pretty full. Which will keep me going and busy all day. Just wish I had a little more energy to do all this. Since I have not had any pop in forever, I don't want to go there either. So I will make do with water and clean foods.

Hope everyone has a great day today!!!

Day 34

"If you are tired of starting over, stop giving up!"

Today I couldn't run on the treadmill, there was a man there already. Running at 9.0 mph...yeah intimidating.

But I did 30 on the elliptical machine, I am excited because I realized today that all I am thinking about in the morning is, "When do I get to go work out?" Which is a change for me. Feels good instead of wondering when I get to go back to sleep. I still have issues with wanting late night snacks or just snacks in general. So I will keep working on that. I am 2 lbs away from my goal for the end of this month. Which I am so excited about.

Now I can set another goal. Another 5lbs before Rya's birthday, April 18th. I can do it! I am bound and determined to be fit and look good in clothes. It might take me a while, but I will freaking get there!

Have a lot of laundry to do today as well as some cakes to work on. YAY!

Hope everyone has a great Thursday!

Day 32

"Skinny girls look good in clothes. Fit girls look good naked!"

This will be me someday!

Anyway, today was a fantastic work out day. I decided to try the treadmill to see how my feet did. Awesome news, I ran for 13 minutes straight at a speed of 4.2 mph. Okay I realize that isn't fast and won't seem like a big deal to most.

But for me....well that is amazing. For reals I have never done that before. I only stopped because my right knee was starting to go out a little. Just need to keep at it and build up the muscles. Then I waled for 4 minutes and ran for three minutes.

I felt great and am beyond proud of myself. I am bound and determined to do a half or full marathon someday. I will!!!!

Hope all of you have a great day!!!!

Day 31

"The will must be stronger than the skill."

I look like a total fool working out. Total fool. I don't have flawless form, I am all over the place on the treadmill and just flat out look ridiculous on the elliptical machine. But my skill doesn't determine my ability to do it or finish it. And if someone wants to look at me while working out and laugh...so what? Why should I care? The only people who matter in my life would support me, build me up and love the fact that I look like a fool working out.

30 minutes on the elliptical machine, 2.67 miles. My issues still seems to be my shoes/feet. Who knows if that will ever change!

Hope you all have a great day!

Day 29

"Passion, pushing yourself when no one else is around."

That was me this morning, I was tired and sleepy and just pushed myself through my work out. But I did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and managed 2.73 miles. Pretty good.

I am exhausted, but have to run to the store for a few things.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Day 28

"You are just one work out away from a good mood."

Okay this morning was exhausting, I was annoyed in all directions and anticipating some good news. However just have yet to hear anything about this news, so that didn't help my mood.

But I went and worked out for 30 minutes and worked hard! I realized something my only issue now with working out is my shoes. My feet go numb in them after about 10 minutes, and I realize that I need new work out shoes. But my issue with that is, I don't want to spend money on something that won't work. So I really need to do some research on shoes that will be supportive and comfy for me. Might take me a while to find the right pair, but I will get there.

All in all I went and worked out and feel a little better. Still no news, but aside from that I am pretty happy. Shower time and then getting work done around the house. As well as a dozen cookies to send off.

Have a great day everyone!

Day 27!

"Patience. I will become what I know I am!"

I need to learn this virtue, I need to embrace it, I need to become it. As far as fitness is concerned I have no patience. I weigh myself on a almost 3 times a day basis. Why? I am totally addicted. But if this is my only addiction currently, I feel like I am safe at dealing with it for a while.

Today, yes today, I did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. But wait, there's more, 2.53 miles at my highest speed was 7.1 mph. Okay for me who is used to 25 minutes at a max speed of 4.3 mph....that is freaking impressive. (to me anyway)

And during those 30 minutes I never once thought, "I can't do this, I won't make it." I literally just kept going and at one point started chanting random stuff about bathing suits and summer and looking hot!

All in all I feel really good today. I have a lot on my plate today and am going to get going.

Feel free to leave words of encouragement, I always need them!!!

<3 Everyone!!!

Rest Day

So today is my rest day, and I have to admit I am not thrilled about it. I should go work out.

Yesterday was kind of an overall crummy day throughout the day. Then we received some good news that made the day end on a somewhat high note.

With the kids exhausting all of the life out of me, I just decided to run some errands and maybe pick up some dinner for them. Well we ended up eating at a local BBQ place that I love.

I won't describe my dinner, but it wasn't the best of ideas. I felt like crap leaving the restaurant. My gut felt overwhelmed, my face and hands felt greasy. And I felt this overwhelming guilt for some reason.

Needless to say I was very unhappy for the evening. But I made that mistake and today is a new day. I won't work out, but cleaning my house is always work enough for me. I always seem to come out of it drenched in sweat. (gross I know) But hey it is a small work out one way or another.

I also have some sugar cookies to make and ship to CA this afternoon. So lots of work ahead of me.

Enjoy your day everyone!

Day 25

"No, your legs are not that tired. Yes, you can breathe. Keep going."

Only 25 minutes on the elliptical machine this morning. I woke up in the most severe pain, neck pain, back pain. All from the awkward ways I slept last night. I couldn't fall asleep until 2am and was up and down all night long. Just felt weird last night. I figured I actually went to work out after a long night and being in pain. That is impressive enough.

Have a lot to do today, so I need to get started. But it will be a good day if I can get past this pain. Might take a hot bath to relax my muscles.

Have a great day!