Who knew?

The statement above is so beyond truthful. There is no time in my past where I thought that I could run for any extended amount of time, ever. This morning 30 minutes running straight. Now it wasn't running as if I was trying to get away from a bear, but as if the bear was running along side me smiling. So, yes slower moving, but running all the same. And the only reason for stopping was because I needed to make food before work, shower and put the roast in the crock pot. Otherwise I honestly feel I could have gone for a little while longer. It was a great feeling, even if I did stumble over my feet a couple of times.

I remember a long time ago I tried to train for a marathon, that was a joke I thought. Didn't think my body was made for running, I am proving myself wrong in so many ways. This morning my BF mentioned that I should get two 25lb weights and try running some tomorrow with them. See how much more weight I was actually working with. It is amazing to see how far I have actually come. I do have a long way to go, but I am doing it. And frankly, it feels f*^king fantastic!

The food part is still a struggle for me, not because I want to eat fatty foods. Really I don't have cravings like I thought I would. But because my budget is smaller than normal. So I have to eat what I have, which is a lot of ground beef. So I make do with what I have. And when my BF and I are working more and bringing in more money then we can focus on really cleaning up our diet. Which I am excited about. I know my mom sent me a cookbook for Christmas that I have wanted for a while. (No I didn't open it, but that is all I asked for and well I'm not dumb)

So soon we will be able to clean up the diet, and continue to work out. I am so excited about all this progress.

GO ME!

"How'd you do it?"

It's a tad bit ironic for me, lately I have been asked the "How'd you do it" question a lot. Which is a question I asked often to many many people. And by no means am I am expert on weight loss or fitness or anything. I am still struggling everyday to find what works and to get where I am headed. I even have days, (like yesterday) where the gym just isn't happening. But here are a few things I have changed about the way I do things in my life.

1. I don't drink pop/soda, at all, just water. Okay, and coffee.Which honestly was an easy one for me. Since I didn't really drink it until I was 21, then it wasn't like an addiction. Just something I enjoyed. But I just don't drink it anymore at all.

2. No fast food. Now this one is an iffy one. There are days when I am just running and I didn't get food for lunch at work or I am running errands and I am starving. If that is the case and I need something fast, I usually just pick up a basic burger at McDonald's. Because I know it will fill me up, I know it is cheap, and it's small. But that is pretty much the extent of it. I do on occasion, (few and far between) have some $5 pizza. But all in all, I usually try to avoid it.

3. Work out. Seriously as simple as that. Even if it is just 20 minutes a day of walking outside, just anything to boost your metabolism is needed. Walking or running is good cardo, but weights are a must for getting any sort of toning done. Lifting doesn't mean getting to be so big you have to turn sideways to get through a door. It just means your muscles are getting bigger and thus burning more fat in order to keep yourself going. There are plenty of females who are out there who lift and still look very much like a female. You just have to work at it and find the right balance for your body.

Now don't get me wrong, in no way shape or form am I a fitness pro, or am I a know it all. But a lot of it I have learned over the last couple of months is very basic common sense. If you want to get into shape you have to focus on what you put in your mouth and what you do with your body. It is a never ending learning process. Your body gets used to what you are doing after a certain amount of time as well, and at that point you peek. It's time for you to change what your doing, do different cardio, remove cardio, add weights, use stronger weights. There are so many things you can do, but the most important one is to not give up because you don't think you are getting results. That is the fastest way to failure.

And in full disclosure, I have been on and off taking a dietary supplement. But I will say this, it is a month on and a month off. (so my body doesn't get used to it) And yes, everyone says diet pills are bad for you. But I think if you are not stupid about them, use them in conjunction with working out and eating right, it isn't a bad thing. I won't tell you to use them or not use them, I'll just say that for me at this current time it works and helps me.

So that is where I am at, still a massive work in progress to get where I can feel okay with getting on stage in a bikini and flaunting it for the audience. Below are two pictures, the first is from a couple years ago. (sorry so blurry) and the second is from me today at the gym. Again, a lot of work to do and long road ahead, but I have come so far. Yipee!!!

Good luck!

Insecurities That Screw With You

I'd like to say I think I am beautiful, but I just don't. And part of me has tricked myself into believing that if I get to the physical body I want, then for sure I will think I am beautiful then. When in reality my head is so damaged and backwards that it's going to take so much more than that. For most, (if not all) of my relationships I have been lacking in some department. You name it, it probably has been said to me regarding my abilities or better yet, my inabilities. Fat, short, ugly, too outgoing, too social, too dramatic, too happy, too sad, the list literally can go on and on. And because for the better part of my adult life, that is what I have always been told, well frankly it is hard to change that mind set. I know, I KNOW I am a nice, caring, loving, honest and genuine person. But when I look into the mirror all I can see are my faults. The unseen emotional scars and that damage I have done to my body over too long a time. It is nice to have goals and ideas of what you want out of yourself in a physical manner. But those goals attained will do nothing but make the outside look good. And while that is great and empowering, I'm afraid my mind will take so much longer to straighten out.

Last night was horrible, I didn't really sleep. I had a really productive, (painful at the same time) discussion with my boyfriend about my insecurities. About why men, (not just men of course) feel the need to break a woman down so much. Why they feel the need to cheat and to lie. Why not just in fact end the relationship if you are so desperate to find the next best thing? Why not let the person go and find happiness somewhere else. With someone who will love and appreciate them for what they have to offer.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not under the impression that my BF is cheating or is a liar with me. But I will be honest and say it is so hard to not hold him to that same screwed up expectation that I have grown accustomed to. The expectation that I'll be lied to, cheated on and degraded in every way is always there. Yet one more thing to work on, because it isn't really fair of me to have that with him. I know the only way to make this relationship work is honesty, trust and the basic friendship that we have. But this is a giant work in progress for me and I seem to be dealing with a great deal of affects the last couple of days. I'm so far inside my head that it is causing me some serious anxiety.


Anyway, I digress. This is an attempt at a fitness blog after all and not a "Whoa is me" blog. But I do honestly believe that part of becoming healthy physically is becoming healthy mentally and emotionally as well.

So after a horrid nights "sleep", I was up and going to the gym. It is nice to have someone who is expecting me to go with him. Then I feel as though if I don't get up and make him get out of bed then I am letting him down. I apparently have no issues letting myself down, but massive issues letting other people down. So up and at it, (after two snooze pushes) and at the gym at 5:20am. Doing my cycle, "Trouble Spots" once, running four laps and then another cycle. After that I ran and walked with BF for a while longer. Running has become a mild escape for me. The biggest downside right now is my work out pants are currently too big. Therefore running can be cumbersome since I have to continuously pull them up. Or the poor people of West Valley Rec Center will have far more than they actually paid for with their membership. When I have any sort of "extra" cash I'll go work out clothing shopping. Get something that maybe will last me a few more months.

I'm excited that I am doing this, finally. That I am with someone who wants this for themselves as much as I have always for myself. I just have to find the strength to work through my emotional baggage as well as my physical stuff.

Any advice is so beyond welcome....although I am really unsure who all is reading this. Even if it is no one, the ability to word vomit things I apparently can't say out loud is nice.

Have a great day!

Cheats, Days off, Pain and Exhaustion

There is no better way to describe the last couple days than the title of this post. Sunday was a day off, which was very much needed. Sunday night was my work's Christmas party. Which was nice and I enjoyed myself, however maybe a little too much. Seconds of ham and turkey and mashed potatoes. I even told myself I was an idiot going for that second round, but you know what it happened, nothing I can do about it now.

Monday, well Monday was crap. Sleep was nearly nonexistent the night before and getting up at 4:30 was just not happening. Lucky for me, work was slow but that allowed me to get a lot of work done around the store. Redressing brides, rearranging the run, redoing bridesmaid dresses. So I never really sat down.

Last night was a bad night of sleep as well. Waking up at 4:30 was also not going to happen. So we woke up later, and headed to the gym. Both feeling mildly grumpy. But the good news is that the work out was great. I did my whole circuit and pushed myself very hard, using 20lbs instead of the 12 that I am used to. After one circuit I ran two laps around the track and went back for a second circuit. I didn't make it through the entire circuit the second time around mostly because my legs were killing me. But you have to start somewhere right? So after getting to the point of pain, we walked the track several times and then headed out to have some lunch.

I have the day off so today it is all about cleaning and getting little things done around my house that I don't have a ton of time to do normally. Salmon is marinating in the fridge, green beans will be cut soon and then some rice is already ready to go. After some random house cleaning, maybe just maybe I will lay down on the couch and crash for a little bit. Knowing myself, I won't but the idea sound appealing.


Anyway, back on topic of fitness. As far as my eating is going, I really do well with breakfast and most of the time dinner. Lunch is probably hardest for me. I really need to figure out my ideal carb, protein, fat and caloric intake to get to the my desired weight. As far as working out go, I'll continue on the path I am until I finish the book's program. And continue running until around March. At that time I will probably take around three months off and focus on training only. Then after the three months if I feel ready to the do the competition I will go back to adding in running to get down to the best shape with training before the show. Either way I need to trick my body right now into confusion. Which let's be honest I am doing currently by even working out. :)

Anyway, cleaning time it is. Thanks for stopping by if anyone does. (Shout out to my cuz Kelli, since I know for a fact that she reads this! <3 nbsp="" p="">

I. Love. Running!

Well today I have decided I officially love running. It feels so free and liberating. I ran more than walked today, which honestly felt so good. I did have a slight issue with pain in my hips because I am not used to running. But man I loved it. I honestly cannot wait to go again tomorrow. ;)

I was hoping at Thanksgiving next year BF and I could do a 5K Turkey Trot, which is 3.1 miles. But since today I really did well running and combined did a little above 2 miles, I figure that will be sorta easy. So maybe a 10K, which is 6.2 miles. Which could be difficult for me still a year out. Either way, I just love running.

Anyway, today as been an up and down sort of day and looking forward to going to a Christmas party tonight. Hoping to take out any blah feelings I am having tonight.

Have a good night everyone!

Who knew running would actually be enjoyable....

Granted, I don't mean long distance running or super fast running. Just simply running.

This morning after my "Trouble Spots" work out I decided to walk the track until BF was done with his work out. I began with just walking the first couple, and walking faster than usual. Then I decided to run a lap and see just how far I could get. So it played out, run a lap, walk a lap, run a lap, walk a lap. Then, then, then, I ran two laps! (I realize this seems trivial in the eyes of many, but for me this is rather significant.)

I used to get winded running down my stairs or running the mailbox, which was just around 50 yards away. But I guess we all have to start somewhere, right?

I didn't get much sleep last night, was afraid that today would be a big fat failure as far as work out goes. But I feel pretty good about it, and hoping the rest of today is just as good.

As a side note, I used to be literally obsessed with the scale. I mean, get on it at least twice a day obsessed. I am going through withdraws when I go into my bathroom and see it lonely sitting there. I have resisted the urge to jump on it. I have decided just every Monday is good enough for now. Maybe I can do without for two weeks next month. That would be a shocker.

NPC Utah

I apparently suck at doing any updates on this page, unlike previous times. However the upside seems to be that I don't suck at doing the actual work to get where I am headed. I have discovered NPC Utah, (National Physique Committee) with their future shows. The one I am attempting to be ready for will probably be in October, which will give me a little under a year to get ready for. Since I have a pretty long way to go to get there, I am hoping it works out. If not, at least I am headed in that direction and will do one of the ones after that. The only issue I have with these shows are the outfits, tacky tacky tacky. I am not a sparkle bikini kind of girl or "glass heels" either. Well let's face reality here, aside from my pregnancy days I have never been a bikini sort of girl. 

Alas, I am working on it. 

Anyway, it is a slow process but I will get there. Having support of someone I am dating, is helpful as well. Getting up at 4:30 am to work out together sounds awful, but honestly isn't that hard when you get to bed at a decent hour. The only downside is if you get crummy sleep the night before. Today at the gym the usual weights I was going to use were all taken, so I had to up the weight for the dumbbells. I was using 8lbs, (insert laugh here) the start with. Today I had to use 15lbs, (continue laughing) and it was a nice struggle for me. I realize that I will have to do a lot more than that weight to get where I am going, but we all have to start somewhere right? 

A few of my reps were really hard and I barely was able to do my final set, which speaks well for me. 

Food wise doesn't seem to be as big a struggle for me this time around. Using some good healthy recipes and finding stuff that works well for me is seemingly pretty simple. I'm on my way. 

On a personal note, I seem to be struggling a lot lately with some emotional issues. Financially feeling stretched thin, missing my children. Just not feeling as up to par lately as I would hope. Not liking what I see in the mirror and not feeling as validated as I apparently need to be. Which sounds like a really dumb thing, however given my past, it makes mild sense to me. I have a feeling I will always struggle on some level with not feeling good enough for anyone. Not feeling as if the person I am with is proud of me, even if they are. I'm scared of getting hurt again, but at the same time I have little to no issue of jumping in with both feet. I'm not a huge cryer, but have found myself tearful in the shower lately. It's eating me up. 

But I know myself and I'll push through and get over it. I fortunately am not like a lot of people. I don't let things fester and build up, then have a monumental break down over it all. Usually things stay in my mind for a while and then seemingly fade away and it doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. So I know I will get there, but when is the only question I have right now. 

Anyway, off to get ready for work and hope today is better! 

November 18th, 2014

Sometimes you need to step outside, get some fresh air, and 

remind yourself who you are and who you want to be. 

Here I am restarting again, yes again I said. However I wouldn't so much call ire restarting all together. I have been working on getting to my goal over a while now, and just recently remembered to put to use this great tool.

When I starting this journey forever ago, (feels like it) I was a whopping 198lbs. As of today I am at a still whopping 148lbs. Now yes it is in fact 50lbs lighter, which is nothing to sneer at. But I still have a long way to go.

The issue I seem to be coming across is that my bone structure is very small. So I am wearing a size 6 jeans. (Yes I said size 6, compared to the 16/18 I used to wear) But I still have a long way to go to get the body I really want. I have always wanted that body builder, sleek, toned look. Like below.

I would love to have a body like hers, add a lot more tattoos and more piercings and bam, me!! So I know I have the physical structure to be this kind of shape, it is just getting there that is taking a long time. I realize that soon I will have to stop with the scale, measure myself more instead. Because I do know that muscle weighs more than fat. Also base my progress on how well my clothes fit. Getting off my scale addiction will probably be a difficult thing for me, unless it is hidden from my sight.

Anyway, my progress is going well and I know I will get there. I just need to make sure to stick to it this time. Getting a gym membership, also trying to get a second job at Discover Card. They have a gym there with personal trainers you can use. It is only $20 a month, which for a full gym, with showers and classes isn't bad at all. I could use it right after work and get ready for my other job there as well. Now it is just a matter of eating clean. Which I am working on. It is a slow process as well, but it will get there in time. I found a cook book that I asked for Christmas from Santa. (AKA Mom) that is all really healthy clean meals, based on a website I use a lot. So with all these tools at my fingertips, this should be a breeze right? Oh I hope so! I am so tired of not being happy with my body and the way I look!

Well everyone, (all four of you reading this) until next time. Hopefully I can keep this up.

Night !