NPC Utah

I apparently suck at doing any updates on this page, unlike previous times. However the upside seems to be that I don't suck at doing the actual work to get where I am headed. I have discovered NPC Utah, (National Physique Committee) with their future shows. The one I am attempting to be ready for will probably be in October, which will give me a little under a year to get ready for. Since I have a pretty long way to go to get there, I am hoping it works out. If not, at least I am headed in that direction and will do one of the ones after that. The only issue I have with these shows are the outfits, tacky tacky tacky. I am not a sparkle bikini kind of girl or "glass heels" either. Well let's face reality here, aside from my pregnancy days I have never been a bikini sort of girl. 

Alas, I am working on it. 

Anyway, it is a slow process but I will get there. Having support of someone I am dating, is helpful as well. Getting up at 4:30 am to work out together sounds awful, but honestly isn't that hard when you get to bed at a decent hour. The only downside is if you get crummy sleep the night before. Today at the gym the usual weights I was going to use were all taken, so I had to up the weight for the dumbbells. I was using 8lbs, (insert laugh here) the start with. Today I had to use 15lbs, (continue laughing) and it was a nice struggle for me. I realize that I will have to do a lot more than that weight to get where I am going, but we all have to start somewhere right? 

A few of my reps were really hard and I barely was able to do my final set, which speaks well for me. 

Food wise doesn't seem to be as big a struggle for me this time around. Using some good healthy recipes and finding stuff that works well for me is seemingly pretty simple. I'm on my way. 

On a personal note, I seem to be struggling a lot lately with some emotional issues. Financially feeling stretched thin, missing my children. Just not feeling as up to par lately as I would hope. Not liking what I see in the mirror and not feeling as validated as I apparently need to be. Which sounds like a really dumb thing, however given my past, it makes mild sense to me. I have a feeling I will always struggle on some level with not feeling good enough for anyone. Not feeling as if the person I am with is proud of me, even if they are. I'm scared of getting hurt again, but at the same time I have little to no issue of jumping in with both feet. I'm not a huge cryer, but have found myself tearful in the shower lately. It's eating me up. 

But I know myself and I'll push through and get over it. I fortunately am not like a lot of people. I don't let things fester and build up, then have a monumental break down over it all. Usually things stay in my mind for a while and then seemingly fade away and it doesn't seem to matter to me anymore. So I know I will get there, but when is the only question I have right now. 

Anyway, off to get ready for work and hope today is better!