I'd like to say I think I am beautiful, but I just don't. And part of me has tricked myself into believing that if I get to the physical body I want, then for sure I will think I am beautiful then. When in reality my head is so damaged and backwards that it's going to take so much more than that. For most, (if not all) of my relationships I have been lacking in some department. You name it, it probably has been said to me regarding my abilities or better yet, my inabilities. Fat, short, ugly, too outgoing, too social, too dramatic, too happy, too sad, the list literally can go on and on. And because for the better part of my adult life, that is what I have always been told, well frankly it is hard to change that mind set. I know, I KNOW I am a nice, caring, loving, honest and genuine person. But when I look into the mirror all I can see are my faults. The unseen emotional scars and that damage I have done to my body over too long a time. It is nice to have goals and ideas of what you want out of yourself in a physical manner. But those goals attained will do nothing but make the outside look good. And while that is great and empowering, I'm afraid my mind will take so much longer to straighten out.
Last night was horrible, I didn't really sleep. I had a really productive, (painful at the same time) discussion with my boyfriend about my insecurities. About why men, (not just men of course) feel the need to break a woman down so much. Why they feel the need to cheat and to lie. Why not just in fact end the relationship if you are so desperate to find the next best thing? Why not let the person go and find happiness somewhere else. With someone who will love and appreciate them for what they have to offer.
Now don't get me wrong, I am not under the impression that my BF is cheating or is a liar with me. But I will be honest and say it is so hard to not hold him to that same screwed up expectation that I have grown accustomed to. The expectation that I'll be lied to, cheated on and degraded in every way is always there. Yet one more thing to work on, because it isn't really fair of me to have that with him. I know the only way to make this relationship work is honesty, trust and the basic friendship that we have. But this is a giant work in progress for me and I seem to be dealing with a great deal of affects the last couple of days. I'm so far inside my head that it is causing me some serious anxiety.
Anyway, I digress. This is an attempt at a fitness blog after all and not a "Whoa is me" blog. But I do honestly believe that part of becoming healthy physically is becoming healthy mentally and emotionally as well.
So after a horrid nights "sleep", I was up and going to the gym. It is nice to have someone who is expecting me to go with him. Then I feel as though if I don't get up and make him get out of bed then I am letting him down. I apparently have no issues letting myself down, but massive issues letting other people down. So up and at it, (after two snooze pushes) and at the gym at 5:20am. Doing my cycle, "Trouble Spots" once, running four laps and then another cycle. After that I ran and walked with BF for a while longer. Running has become a mild escape for me. The biggest downside right now is my work out pants are currently too big. Therefore running can be cumbersome since I have to continuously pull them up. Or the poor people of West Valley Rec Center will have far more than they actually paid for with their membership. When I have any sort of "extra" cash I'll go work out clothing shopping. Get something that maybe will last me a few more months.
I'm excited that I am doing this, finally. That I am with someone who wants this for themselves as much as I have always for myself. I just have to find the strength to work through my emotional baggage as well as my physical stuff.
Any advice is so beyond welcome....although I am really unsure who all is reading this. Even if it is no one, the ability to word vomit things I apparently can't say out loud is nice.
Have a great day!
1 comment:
You may be surprised at how getting fit can actually help heal some of the stuff on the inside. It can help you feel a sense of strength and personal confidence. Obviously it is not the cure all. You have some very negative tapes that play over and over and have become your reality. It is going to take time and patience with yourself to challenge those old lies and teach your brain to think differently. BUT...it CAN be done. Your mind and heart have taken a lot of abuse over the years. I needed help from a professional (and still do sometimes) to continue to fight against those old ways of thinking and feeling. I try not to be ashamed of that because it isn't much different than someone who was injured and has to have physical therapy. It was too much for me to figure out on my own and too much for my loved ones to try and solve. Having a counselor has helped me a lot! Exercising is helping too...but not because I am finally getting the body I want. It actually helps because when I feel physically strong I get a sense that I can do anything I put my mind to. I feel good because I am pushing myself and actually following through with something and that feels amazing. So, what I am trying to say is that there will be mental and emotional benefits that come from the process of working out...not just the results. :) Love you!
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